Bad Romance
by Nerd Girl 1
Summary: What happens when morethanjustausername mentions a crack pairing to me? Magic! And funny things. MurdocXRussel because this crack pairing needs a little more love.
1. The Bet

**Disclaimer: If this doesn't make any sense, blame morethanjustausername X'D ****Yes, I'm blaming this all on** her.

**Anyway, if anyone out there ships these two and gets offended by me calling them a crack pairing, I apologize (but I'm soooo not sorry), that's just how I see them. **

* * *

"It was the year 1936 Murdoc-san…"

"No it wasn't! It was in 1944!"

The bassist and guitarist bickered back and forth about what year Gibson manufactured their first electric guitar. Noodle tried to tell Murdoc that it was in 1936, but Murdoc insisted it was in 1944. She sighed and sat back in her seat. The singer and drummer sat in silence and shook their heads at the scene playing out in front of them.

"Murdoc, can we just agree that it was in 1936 and move on to another topic?" The violet haired woman groaned.

"No! Not until you admit that I'm right and you're wrong."

Noodle turned towards 2D. "2D-kun, you know about guitars. Can you please tell Murdoc that it was in '36?"

"Yeah Murdoc, it was in '36." 2D spoke up.

"How would YOU know?! You don't even know how to tie your shoe laces!" Murdoc spat.

The comment hurt 2D just a bit, but it didn't bother him too much because he was used to the insults.

"Actually I do…" The singer mumbled softly. It's when he's hopped up on pain killers that he can't tie his shoes.

"Whatever." Murdoc rolled his eyes. "Russ, what do you think?"

Being the only one in the band that doesn't play guitar nor knows squat about them, Russel hadn't said anything.

"Uh, I dunno…" He said quietly.

"C'mon, you have to pick a side." Murdoc said.

"Muds, you know that I don't know jack about no guitars." Russel sighed.

"BUT, what you do know is that I've been playing guitar longer than Noodle." Murdoc said.

"Just because you've been playing guitar longer doesn't mean you much about them." 2D said.

"SHUT UP!" Murdoc hollered.

"Yeah Muds, I think I might be with 'D and Noodle on this one…" Russel trialed off.

"Oh COME ON! She's only 22 years old, and faceache is 12 in the head. How are you gonna take the youngsters' side?" Murdoc argued.

"Russel-sama," Noodle started off softly. "You don't have to pick sides. We won't bring you into this because you don't know a lot about guitars."

"YES, we ARE bringing him in this!" Murdoc snapped. "How about we make a bet; since YOU GUYS are wrong, you have to go into all the shops and cafés on Wobble Street and perform "Murdoc Is God" while I record it."

Noodle glared at him. _Public humiliation?_ She thought to herself.

"Okay." Noodle agreed. "And since we're right-"

"WRONG!" Murdoc interrupted. "You might as well grab your guitar right now."

"Muds, all this is unnecessary." Russel tried to reason with Murdoc.

The bassist ignored the drummer. "Whose side are you on?"

Noodle and Murdoc looked at him expectantly. On one hand, Noodle usually knew what she was talking about. But on the other, Murdoc HAS been in to guitars for longer.

_I don't make the right decisions under pressure…_

"Murdoc's. If it'll get him to shut up quicker…" Russel said. _Even if we're wrong, baby girl wouldn't make us do anything too cruel… _

The guitarist was taken back. She knew Russel didn't know any better when it came to guitars, but to actually side with the bassist?! She felt betrayed.

She didn't dare let that show though. "Okay." She said coolly. "Russel-san, would you do the honor of looking up what year Gibson manufactured their first electric guitar?" She reached for her laptop and passed it over to him.

He opened the computer and logged in as a guest and opened up the internet explorer.

Everything seemed to have slowed down. Everyone was circled around Russel peeking over his shoulder. The tension between Murdoc and Noodle was so thick you could reach out and grab it. No one dared make a sound. Even their breathing was quiet and discreet.

2D thought he'd make light of the situation. "The suspense is killing me." He laughed quietly, as if he were to talk to loudly the air would shatter in a million little pieces.

This earned him a swift hit on the back of the head by Murdoc. "Shut up dullard!" Murdoc whispered.

Russel finally pulled up Wikipedia and scrolled down to the early history section and skimmed through the section until he found what he was looking for.

"' In 1936 Gibson introduced their first "Electric Spanish" model, the ES-150 followed by other electric instruments like steel guitars, banjoes and mandolins…" He read aloud.

"HA! Told you it was in 1936." The violet haired woman said in triumph.

"WHAT?! Nononono that can't be right!?" Murdoc shoved Russel out of the way to reread the sentence.

"Read it and weep!" 2D shouted and laughed, but his laughing ended abruptly when he received the glare he got from Murdoc.

"Oh yes, and since you two were wrong…" Noodle started. She smirked.

Russel gulped. He _knew _he should've went with his gut and sided with 2D and Noodle.

"…You guys have to act like a couple for a week." She coolly.

Murdoc widened his eyes and Russel stopped breathing.

"NO!" Murdoc ran up to the Japanese woman. "Please, anything but that!"

She shook her head. "I hope you know you guys are to do this in public."

Murdoc turned red. "Now listen here little lady, I, Murdoc Niccals, REFUSE to act gay with Russel."

Noodle glowered at Murdoc. "You have to. Or else." She said, her voice deeper than usual.

Murdoc stood his ground though it was obvious her sudden change in mood scared him. "Oh yeah? What would you do if I don't?!" He challenged.

Noodle lowered her head a bit to glare up at Murdoc. She grabbed the chain that held his inverted cross and pulled him more to her level. She smirked when she saw the scared look on his face.

"In case you've forgotten," She started, her voice low. "I am not only a super soldier, but I've been to Hell and back. _Literally." _She pulled his face closer to hers so that their noses were touching. The guitarist narrowed her almond eyes. "Do you _really _want to test me?"

By now, Murdoc was thoroughly scared and creeped out. "Yes! Now let go of me you crazy bitch!"

Noodle's cherry lips curled into a smirk and she released Murdoc's chain. "Good. You guys are to start tomorrow. I want to see you holding hands walking down the street when we go out for lunch tomorrow. Murdoc, you will pay for all of us, including you're 'boyfriend'."

Murdoc grumbled under his breath and 2D smiled and nodded. Russel was sitting on the couch with his head in his hands.

_This is going to be the worse week of my life…_


	2. Seme or Uke?

**There's a reference ahead.**

* * *

Russel woke up the next morning at 6:30 am and groaned. Today was the day he started is 'sentence'. He sat up and swung his legs over the edge of his bed. He groaned again and rubbed his bald head. Finally he got up, grabbed his toiletries, and made his way to the bathroom. On his way he saw Murdoc leaving out from the bathroom. He paused, looking like a deer caught in headlights. They both looked at each other like they'd seen a ghost.

There was a bit of an awkward silence in the air.

"Uh, good mornin'" Russ said finally breaking the silence.

"Yeah, mornin'" Murdoc said as he shifted on his foot.

"What the hell are you doing up so damn early?" Russel asked.

"Just had to piss. That's all…"

_Shit is getting even more awkward by the second… _Russel said to himself.

"When Noodle-girl gets up I'll try and talk us out of this." Russel rubbed the back of his head.

Murdoc nodded. "Yeah. Good luck." He sighed as he walked to his room.

Russel went into the bathroom and did his daily routine of shaving, washing up, and showering. When done, he walked to his room to get dressed and headed to the kitchen to cook breakfast. He was halfway done when Noodle came into the kitchen.

"Good morning Russel-san!" She yawned. She flopped down in her usual seat.

"Morning baby girl."

Russel paused for a bit before speaking again. "Uh, can we talk about today?"

"Yes." She agreed.

"Noodle… You know me and Murdoc don't get along. Why would make us do this?"

"You sided with him. Plus, it would've been okay if we were to be publically humiliated. So, you have to suffer the consequences of losing."

Russel sighed. "Honestly Noodle, I'd do anything. I'd do all of you and 'D's chores for a week. Hell, I'd even _kiss _'D! Just please, don't make me do this."

"Hey! What's that supposed to mean?" 2D said as he came from around the corner. "I would like to think kissing me is quite pleasant." He said indignantly as he sat down in his favored seat.

"Yeah, I'll just ask all of the 629 females you got pregnant that question…" Russel grumbled.

"Good morning 2D!" Noodle said cheerily as she got out of her seat and hugged 2D. "And I'm sure kissing you would be pleasant." She added before he could bring up the subject again.

Russel raised an accusing eyebrow at her, and she shook her head and shrugged, placing her finger over her lips to tell Russel not to say anything. He nodded understandably.

"Heh. I guess you're right!" 2D said with a big, goofy grin as he lifted his chin and puffed his chest out a bit.

Noodle bit the inside of her cheek to refrain from laughing as Russel shook his head at their friend.

"Breakfast is ready." He said as he sat the singer and guitarist's food down in front of them.

"You have to wake up Muds." The violet haired woman said.

"What?! Why?" Russel exclaimed.

"Because. He's your _boyfriend_, after all." She said matter-of-factly. 2D chuckled.

Russel sighed and walked out of the kitchen, flicking 2D in the head on his way out. His feet felt heavier and heavier with each step the closer he got to the bassist's door. Before he knew it he was standing at Murdoc's door. He raised a beefy fist to knock.

"Muds. Breakfast's ready. Come down and eat."

Murdoc flung the door open. "No." And just as quickly as it was open it was slammed close in the drummer's face.

"Look man, get yo cracker ass down here and eat this breakfast I slaved over the stove to make. _Now_."

Murdoc opened the door again, this time with an amused look on his features. "No, mom!" He went to close the door again, but Russel caught it with foot.

"Move your foot fat- ACK!"

Russel grabbed Murdoc by the throat and dragged him to the kitchen, with Murdoc hitting and clawing his arm and turning an interesting color of bluish green due to lack of oxygen.

When they walked in the kitchen Russel threw Murdoc in his chair and took his own seat. Both 2D and Noodle looked up shocked, eyebrows to the ceiling and mouths agape.

"The domestic violence started already?" 2D asked, earning him a blow to the head from Murdoc.

"Keep talking and I'll _really _show you domestic violence!" Murdoc snapped.

After breakfast Noodle sat Murdoc and Russel down to talk about their 'relationship roles'.

"Okay boys!" She said enthusiastically. "We have to figure out who's the seme and who's the uke."

"The what?" The bassist and drummer said in unison.

Noodle rolled green eyes. "In most successful yaoi relationships, there's usually a seme and a uke."

"What's yaoi?" Russel asked, pronouncing it as yah-oh-e.

"Yaoi is a boy/boy relationship."

"What the fuck is a seme and a uke." Murdoc asked, pronouncing it say-me and oh-kay.

The guitarist snorted. "A _seh-meh_," she corrected. "And an _ooh-keh," _She corrected again. "Is basically who's dominant and who's submissive."

"How do you determine that?" Russel asked.

"Usually the taller one's the seme."

Murdoc looked at Russel and smirked. "Oh really?"

"Oh _HELL _NAW!" Russel shouted.

Noodle refrained from laughing and continued. "That's usually how it is Russel-sama."

"I'd be damned if I be this crackah mothafucka's _bitch _for a week!" Russel shouted.

"Well Russ, you do cook and clean a lot…"

"No… No…" The drummer said in a daze.

"We could take some online quizzes if it makes you feel better."

"Yeah, we'll do that."

They spent 30 minutes on Noodle's laptop taking 'Seme or Uke?' quizzes. Noodle took count of who got what.

"It's a tie." Noodle concluded. "We need a tie breaker quiz." She smiled devilishly. "I know exactly where to go." She took her laptop and typed in .

"Ooh, they've got a new test~ Let's try it out." She clicked on the new test and handed her laptop to Murdoc.

After a few minutes the bassist handed the computer to Russel. "I'm done! Lards, your turn."

The drummer read the first question and his eyes went wide and he blushed. "What the hell?!"

"What?" The violet haired woman looked at the first question and snorted.

"Heh. Fatass is acting like a virgin." Murdoc chuckled.

"How does asking what _it _tastes like determine if you're a seme or a uke?!"

"Just say cherries and move to the next question." Noodle smirked.

Russel blushed harder. "…"

"Well, is it true or not?" Murdoc asked.

"I'm _not _having this conversation with you guys." The drummer shook his head.

He turned around opposite of his bandmates so they couldn't see his answer and moved to the next question.

"Here's an _appropriate _question." He said, having gotten the slight tint of red on his cheeks down.

"Are you gonna sit a bitch about every last question?" Murdoc asked annoyed.

Russel shot him an angry glare "NO!"

After blushing and saying a series of "What the fuck?!"s and "Why do they need to know about my sex life?"s, Russel finally got his answer.

"You're a Clueless Uke!" Noodle said.

Murdoc looked at the description and snorted. "It says you want someone to eat hamburgers and play video games with. I bet your fat ass just wants to eat burgers!" He laughed and slapped his thigh.

"Murdoc got the Sadistic Seme, so that means you guys are not compatible."

"So does this mean we can stop it with all this bullshit?" Murdoc asked excitedly.

"Nope." Noodle said. "I now pronounce you seme-" she gestured to Murdoc. "and uke!" She gestured to Russel.

Murdoc had a bit of a smirk on his face, and Russel looked like he wanted to die.


End file.
